WrestleMania 31 Review

I'm very aware that it's Tuesday and WrestleMania was two nights ago. I'm also aware that I didn't finish my 7 Days of WrestleMania series (even though nobody cares) because I have responsibilities and shit. But I'm going to do a WrestleMania review anyway because I wanted to get my full thoughts out there if for no other reason than so I don't have to send 100 tweets about them, and also because nobody gives a single fuck about what I put on this blog. Without further ado...

WrestleMania 31

Pre-Show: Cesaro and Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya def. Los Matadores w/ El Torito, New Day w/ Xavier Woods & The Usos w/ Naomi

FUN. As much as I wasn't a big fan of them doing another multi-team Tag Title match on the pre-show, four corners tag matches have become somewhat of a WrestleMania staple. And this is one of the best I've ever seen. The action was chaotic, but good enough that I was able to completely disregard the fact that the referee did nothing to keep order because of how cool the spots were. They somehow found a way to come up with new tag team moves to do. I won't complain about the reign of Cesaro and Tyson Kidd continuing, either. Especially if it means we get to keep seeing Natty in dominatrix gear. Oh, also: why don't we all call them Uppercats? Anyway, yeah. Good stuff. 

Pre-Show: Big Show wins Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Usually, battle royals are boring until the last one or two. That just wasn't the case here. Not only did WWE develop stories within the bounds of an absolute clusterfuck, but they had some great moments as well. They genuinely made me want to see a few different people win. But, wrestling is about building expectations, denying expectations, and then proceeding to meet those expectations. This match was one in which the expectations were denied, when Big Show came out with the victory. NOTICE: you aren't SUPPOSED to be happy about Big Show winning. He is a heel. He is doing his job well. It's honestly kinda nice to see a battle royal where a big guy who everyone claims is the favorite actually wins since it never ever happens. And it's great that Show has another accolade under his belt. He's one of the most underappreciated wrestlers of all time.

Daniel Bryan def. Bad News Barrett, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, Stardust, Luke Harper and R-Truth to win the Intercontinental Championship

I think this is a match that suffered due to the brilliance of the multi-man mayhem matches on the pre-show as well as the fact that there's two Money in the Bank matches every year. Don't get me wrong, a lot of amazing things happened in the match, but really nothing that I hadn't seen some variation of before and nothing that made me leap out of my seat. However, I'm excited for Bryan's IC Title reign. He looks incredible with that belt, like it belongs with him. It was effective in getting the crowd ready for the rest of the show, but it just wasn't anything spectacular to me.

Randy Orton def. Seth Rollins

Let me get this out of the way: ORTON IN ELBOWPADS OH MY GOOOOOODDDD

Ok, now that I've gained my composure, I think that was a very intentional nod at Orton's previous "Legend Killer" gimmick. But rather than taking out the past, he took out the future in Seth Rollins. This whole match was just a pleasure to watch. Orton doesn't get nearly as much credit as he deserves for just how great of a wrestler he is. It's no secret, however, of Seth Rollins' ability in the ring, and it was on full display at WrestleMania. Everything was crisp, and although the finish wasn't the Phoenix Splash countered into a RKO that we all thirsted for, it was pretty damn impressive in and of itself. Apparently Seth Rollins is a character from a platformer, because he double jumped. Unfortunately, Randy Orton isn't a Goomba, and Rollins paid for his mistake with the greatest RKO of all time. Somewhere, Evan Bourne reads this statement and weeps. (Okay, he probably doesn't read this. But still.)

Triple H def. Sting

Of course this wasn't some workrate masterpiece, but I don't think a single person didn't go nuts at the ridiculous run-ins. The Game was as good as usual, and Sting was better than I assumed he would be, so no complaints there, but the real highlights of the match were the cameos and over-the-top absurdity involved in the finish. Realistic or not, Sting busting HHH's sledgehammer with his bat was badass, and Triple H narrowly defeating The Icon essentially because he has more friends that occasionally make WWE appearances was a perfectly acceptable reason for Triple H to BURY STING. 

No, just kidding. Sting is clearly going to hang around for another appearance or two based off RAW last night, so only the future can tell what will happen with The Franchise of WCW. But seriously, this was so radically different from anything else on the card, in a good way. Highlights include Kevin Nash gripping at his quad and Scott Hall taking a bump. If that's not the best damn advertisement for DDP Yoga there's ever been, then I don't know what is. 

AJ Lee and Paige def. The Bella Twins

It was... alright, but nobody in the match did anything that would set it over the top. I would consider it an average match at best. This was kind of an easy way to have AJ go over the champion without the belt changing hands, and I just wonder why this couldn't have been done on RAW, with a fatal four way at Mania. Whatever. Nothing too bad, but nothing particularly great either. Just not much to talk about.

John Cena def. Rusev w/ Lana to win the United States Championship

So... Rusev came out in a tank. Unfortunately, the tank did not stick around until the next night on RAW. Oh well, the track jacket lives! As far as the match goes, it was about as good as their match at Fast Lane, which was pretty great by itself. No problems with Cena finally ending Rusev's reign of terror, and this match leaves some interesting cards on the table. What will Rusev do without Lana? What will Lana do without Rusev? Who will Cena defend the US Title against? Why didn't Cena come out on the wings of a bald eagle? Where the fuck was Vladimir Putin? WHEN WILL CENA PHOTOSHOP RUSEV'S HEAD ONTO AN ACTUAL BEAR?

Final note: dat springboard stunner.

The Undertaker def. Bray Wyatt

Within the parameters of The Undertaker's physical abilities, this was a good match. However, I wasn't as much of a fan as some of the decisions that were made when this match was being written, and that has nothing to do with who won. He's the fucking Undertaker. Of course he wins. 

First and foremost, I don't like that Bray melted when Undertaker sat up, and not the other way around. Had Taker put on a look of fear, Bray would look much better than he does today. Secondly, Bray simply should've gotten more offense in. He spent at least 75% of the match getting worked over by Taker, who, despite looking much better than he did at WrestleMania 30, is still an old-looking man. Whatever. I'm just griping. The ambiance struggled due to California's stupid time zone, but this was mostly good. 

Seth Rollins def. Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar w/ Paul Heyman to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I'm not sure what more can be said about the match other than it was twenty minutes of two hosses beating the bejeezus out of each other, only for some smarmy cunt with mismatched hair to run out and steal the title. Rollins is the best. Brock is the best. Reigns is the best. This whole thing was the best. Wrestling is the best.