WrestleMania 31 Review

I'm very aware that it's Tuesday and WrestleMania was two nights ago. I'm also aware that I didn't finish my 7 Days of WrestleMania series (even though nobody cares) because I have responsibilities and shit. But I'm going to do a WrestleMania review anyway because I wanted to get my full thoughts out there if for no other reason than so I don't have to send 100 tweets about them, and also because nobody gives a single fuck about what I put on this blog. Without further ado...

WrestleMania 31

Pre-Show: Cesaro and Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya def. Los Matadores w/ El Torito, New Day w/ Xavier Woods & The Usos w/ Naomi

FUN. As much as I wasn't a big fan of them doing another multi-team Tag Title match on the pre-show, four corners tag matches have become somewhat of a WrestleMania staple. And this is one of the best I've ever seen. The action was chaotic, but good enough that I was able to completely disregard the fact that the referee did nothing to keep order because of how cool the spots were. They somehow found a way to come up with new tag team moves to do. I won't complain about the reign of Cesaro and Tyson Kidd continuing, either. Especially if it means we get to keep seeing Natty in dominatrix gear. Oh, also: why don't we all call them Uppercats? Anyway, yeah. Good stuff. 

Pre-Show: Big Show wins Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Usually, battle royals are boring until the last one or two. That just wasn't the case here. Not only did WWE develop stories within the bounds of an absolute clusterfuck, but they had some great moments as well. They genuinely made me want to see a few different people win. But, wrestling is about building expectations, denying expectations, and then proceeding to meet those expectations. This match was one in which the expectations were denied, when Big Show came out with the victory. NOTICE: you aren't SUPPOSED to be happy about Big Show winning. He is a heel. He is doing his job well. It's honestly kinda nice to see a battle royal where a big guy who everyone claims is the favorite actually wins since it never ever happens. And it's great that Show has another accolade under his belt. He's one of the most underappreciated wrestlers of all time.

Daniel Bryan def. Bad News Barrett, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, Stardust, Luke Harper and R-Truth to win the Intercontinental Championship

I think this is a match that suffered due to the brilliance of the multi-man mayhem matches on the pre-show as well as the fact that there's two Money in the Bank matches every year. Don't get me wrong, a lot of amazing things happened in the match, but really nothing that I hadn't seen some variation of before and nothing that made me leap out of my seat. However, I'm excited for Bryan's IC Title reign. He looks incredible with that belt, like it belongs with him. It was effective in getting the crowd ready for the rest of the show, but it just wasn't anything spectacular to me.

Randy Orton def. Seth Rollins

Let me get this out of the way: ORTON IN ELBOWPADS OH MY GOOOOOODDDD

Ok, now that I've gained my composure, I think that was a very intentional nod at Orton's previous "Legend Killer" gimmick. But rather than taking out the past, he took out the future in Seth Rollins. This whole match was just a pleasure to watch. Orton doesn't get nearly as much credit as he deserves for just how great of a wrestler he is. It's no secret, however, of Seth Rollins' ability in the ring, and it was on full display at WrestleMania. Everything was crisp, and although the finish wasn't the Phoenix Splash countered into a RKO that we all thirsted for, it was pretty damn impressive in and of itself. Apparently Seth Rollins is a character from a platformer, because he double jumped. Unfortunately, Randy Orton isn't a Goomba, and Rollins paid for his mistake with the greatest RKO of all time. Somewhere, Evan Bourne reads this statement and weeps. (Okay, he probably doesn't read this. But still.)

Triple H def. Sting

Of course this wasn't some workrate masterpiece, but I don't think a single person didn't go nuts at the ridiculous run-ins. The Game was as good as usual, and Sting was better than I assumed he would be, so no complaints there, but the real highlights of the match were the cameos and over-the-top absurdity involved in the finish. Realistic or not, Sting busting HHH's sledgehammer with his bat was badass, and Triple H narrowly defeating The Icon essentially because he has more friends that occasionally make WWE appearances was a perfectly acceptable reason for Triple H to BURY STING. 

No, just kidding. Sting is clearly going to hang around for another appearance or two based off RAW last night, so only the future can tell what will happen with The Franchise of WCW. But seriously, this was so radically different from anything else on the card, in a good way. Highlights include Kevin Nash gripping at his quad and Scott Hall taking a bump. If that's not the best damn advertisement for DDP Yoga there's ever been, then I don't know what is. 

AJ Lee and Paige def. The Bella Twins

It was... alright, but nobody in the match did anything that would set it over the top. I would consider it an average match at best. This was kind of an easy way to have AJ go over the champion without the belt changing hands, and I just wonder why this couldn't have been done on RAW, with a fatal four way at Mania. Whatever. Nothing too bad, but nothing particularly great either. Just not much to talk about.

John Cena def. Rusev w/ Lana to win the United States Championship

So... Rusev came out in a tank. Unfortunately, the tank did not stick around until the next night on RAW. Oh well, the track jacket lives! As far as the match goes, it was about as good as their match at Fast Lane, which was pretty great by itself. No problems with Cena finally ending Rusev's reign of terror, and this match leaves some interesting cards on the table. What will Rusev do without Lana? What will Lana do without Rusev? Who will Cena defend the US Title against? Why didn't Cena come out on the wings of a bald eagle? Where the fuck was Vladimir Putin? WHEN WILL CENA PHOTOSHOP RUSEV'S HEAD ONTO AN ACTUAL BEAR?

Final note: dat springboard stunner.

The Undertaker def. Bray Wyatt

Within the parameters of The Undertaker's physical abilities, this was a good match. However, I wasn't as much of a fan as some of the decisions that were made when this match was being written, and that has nothing to do with who won. He's the fucking Undertaker. Of course he wins. 

First and foremost, I don't like that Bray melted when Undertaker sat up, and not the other way around. Had Taker put on a look of fear, Bray would look much better than he does today. Secondly, Bray simply should've gotten more offense in. He spent at least 75% of the match getting worked over by Taker, who, despite looking much better than he did at WrestleMania 30, is still an old-looking man. Whatever. I'm just griping. The ambiance struggled due to California's stupid time zone, but this was mostly good. 

Seth Rollins def. Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar w/ Paul Heyman to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I'm not sure what more can be said about the match other than it was twenty minutes of two hosses beating the bejeezus out of each other, only for some smarmy cunt with mismatched hair to run out and steal the title. Rollins is the best. Brock is the best. Reigns is the best. This whole thing was the best. Wrestling is the best. 

7 Days of WrestleMania: Day 4

Today's edition of 7 Days of WrestleMania will be significantly less interesting to most people than the first three. After much debate, the list for today will be the four best stages in WrestleMania history. I'm a sucker for the presentation element of professional wrestling. That's one of the biggest things that draws me to WWE over other companies, and the stage can really make a show feel more important. This year, every PPV stage was just the RAW stage, which sucks, but it's built my hype to see the WrestleMania 31 stage to a ridiculous level. Just like last time, there will be three honorable mentions to go along with the actual list.

Honorable Mention - WrestleMania 28

Any stage in an outdoor wrestling stadium gets bonus points, but this one especially. I don't know if it's the fact that it's obscenely large, or that the backdrop is just gigantic minitrons, but something about this stage felt impressive. And once it got dark in Miami that night, the stage looked even better. 

Honorable Mention - WrestleMania 24

The sort of skyscraper look they achieved at WrestleMania 24 was also attempted at WrestleMania 22, but the major difference is that Mania 24 was held in an outdoor venue. It reminded me of some kind of big movie theater, and the placement of the trons looked great. And, for whatever reason, I love it when part of the stage overhangs above the stage (see: No Way Out 2000, SummerSlam 2008).

Honorable Mention - WrestleMania 29

THE BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!! This one is an honorable mention, but I considered putting it anywhere from 4th to 1st on my list. There's not much else to be said about it.

#4 - WrestleMania 10

The more often I can see the entrance stage on the hard camera, the better. Sure, WrestleMania 20 took place at the Garden as well, but rather than utilizing the hard camera entrance, they put up a tron screen and made their own stage, cutting out half of the area for the crowd. WrestleMania 10's stage may not have looked as grandiose as some others, but the fact that it's MSG and they actually used the proper entrance puts it on the list.

#3 - WrestleMania 19

Ignoring the mind-bogglingly long entrance ramp, the Mania 19 stage always pleased my eyes. Maybe it's something OCD-ish, but the ascending order of the tron screens is gorgeous. Also, putting the screens on the ground directly behind the wrestlers is always great for entrances like Jericho's, where he poses with his tron as the background. 

#2 - WrestleMania 30

When I first saw the stage, I thought "oh, that's pretty cool." Then, I noticed that the X's on the top of the ramp were minitrons. I almost cried tears of joy. The sheer size and obnoxiousness of the stage combined with the fact that EVERYTHING WAS A FUCKING MINITRON was insane, especially during entrances like Orton's and Triple H's. 

#1 - WrestleMania 26

IT WAS A BIG FUCKIN CASTLE MADE OF MINITRONS. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY?

7 Days of WrestleMania: Day 3

Welcome to the third installment of 7 Days of WrestleMania! This one is sure to spark discussion, because it's my top five matches in WrestleMania history! Unlike my first two lists, the same wrestler will be eligible to make the list more than once (SPOILER: one wrestler makes more than one appearance). This was, undoubtedly, the most difficult list to compose yet. I wanted to have about fifteen honorable mentions, but I limited myself to just three. So, if one of your favorite Mania matches didn't end up even as an honorable mention, either your wrestling tastes suck or I just didn't want to write out an honorable mention blurb for it. Anyway, on to the list.

Honorable Mention - Daniel Bryan vs Triple H w/ Stephanie McMahon (WrestleMania 30)

This, by a VERY slim margin, is my second favorite opening match in WrestleMania history. The way they managed to keep the finish unpredictable despite most of us believing we knew that Bryan was going to win was marvelous, and the wrestling in the match was just flat-out unbelievable. Those who don't think Triple H is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time are insane, and we all knew Bryan would be able to bring it. Also, I think the finish itself was a thing of beauty. Rather than most WWE matches, there was no big angle to close the match. It was just a simple wrestling sequence that Bryan got the better of. Brilliant.

Honorable Mention - Edge w/ Lita vs Mick Foley (WrestleMania 22)

It's very possible that this is the match I've seen the most times throughout my life. It's short, and boy is it sweet. There's never been a more perfect match to put somebody over, and while I'm typically not a fan of the brutal spots you'd find in deathmatch promotions, the things Edge and Foley did in the match didn't quite go over that line. They kept it just clean enough to keep me interested, and this must be the greatest finish spot to a match in WrestleMania history.

Honorable Mention - The Rock vs Stone Cold Steve Austin (WrestleMania 17)

I'm one of the people in the minority, in that I LOVED the Austin turn. But then again, I'm also in the minority by saying that I found Austin pretty boring and predictable from 1998 to 2000. So, when Austin switched from the unstoppable babyface to the power-hungry, attention-craving psychotic SOB, it was the best he'd ever been in my eyes. Plus, the sheer level of excitement and incredible build-up behind this match was unbelievable. (THIS TIME IMMA LET IT ALL COME OUT)

#5 - Chris Benoit vs Triple H vs Shawn Michaels (WrestleMania 20)

The... uhhh... "end" aside, Chris Benoit was a tremendous wrestler. As was Shawn Michaels. As was and is Triple H. So there was really no way this could go wrong. And it didn't. As the main event of, at the time, the biggest WrestleMania ever, this match did not disappoint. Despite almost five hours of wrestling before it, they managed not only to keep the crowd's attention, but had them leaping out of their seats for the majority of the last ten minutes of the match. There's not much to be said for this match that somebody else hasn't said before. So, yeah. 

#4 - Edge and Christian vs Dudley Boyz vs Hardy Boyz (WrestleMania 17)

Was it a spotfest? Yes. Was it the greatest spotfest in the history of professional wrestling? Absolutely. It was one of those matches where you're willing to suspend your disbelief for the sake of an amazing spot. "Oh, why are the Dudleys setting up four tables instead of trying to win the match?" "Because it's going to be dope as fuck when somebody goes through those." "Sounds good to me." Like that. Oh, and the best spot in WrestleMania history happened in this match. Maybe wrestling history. No big deal.

#3 - Owen Hart vs Bret Hart (WrestleMania 10)

Remember in the honorable mentions when I said Triple H vs Daniel Bryan was my second favorite WrestleMania opening match? Well, here's number one. What must be said about this match? Bret, searching for revenge after having his leg kicked out of his leg (wink) at the hands of his brother Owen, comes up short in a technical masterpiece. Bret, to me, was just alright, but Owen is the fucking best. And there's no doubt that these two brought out the best in each other. What a match.

#2 - Shawn Michaels vs The Undertaker (WrestleMania 25)

Well, WWE themselves named this the greatest match in the history of professional wrestling. So there's that. In all honesty though, it very well might be. This match had everything. Do you like crazy spots? Undertaker almost dies on a dive to the outside. Do you like when wrestling fucks with your emotions? Shawn Michaels kicks out of a Tombstone in the closest nearfall I've ever seen. How about submissions? Aerial moves? SUPERKICKS? EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING!!!!! Yet, it's still only number two to me... hmmm....

#1 - Shawn Michaels vs Kurt Angle (WrestleMania 21)

There's a reason they call him Mr. WrestleMania. Shawn Michaels is, to me, the greatest professional wrestler of all time. (Even though he's not my favorite ever. Does that make sense?) Anyway, if HBK is the greatest ever, Kurt Angle must be pretty fucking close. Even as a seven year old who couldn't possibly have given less of a shit about in-ring work, I was metaphorically foaming at the mouth for the prospect of these two facing each other. The difference between Undertaker/Michaels and Angle/Michaels is the intensity that Kurt Angle brought to the match compared to the presence that Undertaker brought. I personally preferred Angle's borderline insane approach. It really kicked the match up a notch, especially in the closing moments as he wrenches The Showstopper in the Ankle Lock. That moment can't be topped. It's rare that there's a match this long without lulls in the action, but they did it. Overall, it's just the perfect storm. Everything I love about wrestling in one package.

7 Days of WrestleMania: Day 2

For the first day, even though this is technically the same day, I listed my seven favorite WrestleMania attires. This time, I'll list my top six WrestleMania entrances. The extravagant entrances are always one of the things I look forward to the most about WrestleMania. Something as simple as having a special entrance can go such a long way in establishing a big fight feel and elevating a character, even if it's only for one night. As a ground rule, I can only use one entrance per wrestler. Therefore, some tough decisions had to be made in deciding which entrance was best for a lot of the people on my list.

Honorable Mention - Bray Wyatt (WrestleMania 30)

It's no secret that even a normal Bray Wyatt entrance is a spectacle to behold. But with all the theatrics beforehand and the live performance, there's no way I couldn't mention this among the greatest WrestleMania entrances of all time. I can't imagine how incredible the aura in The Superdome was.

Honorable Mention - Edge (WrestleMania 24)

This entrance wasn't too different from what Edge would regularly do, but the spectacular firework display combined with The Rated R Superstar's amazing theme music really set the stage for his long-awaited showdown with The Undertaker. Of course, The Deadman's entrance wasn't half-bad either.

Honorable Mention - CM Punk (WrestleMania 29)

As a rule of thumb, live performances at professional wrestling shows are more often terrible than good. This was an exception. Living Colour was great, and even better was Punk backing down the ramp as Heyman held the urn in front of his face. 

#6 - JBL (WrestleMania 21)

JBL was the quintessential shitbag heel. He was a dick, he always narrowly avoided defeat, and his stupid droopy face was just ripe for punching. Is it possible to get any less likable than that? Oh, wait, maybe if we got a POLICE ESCORT for his white limo to be driven to the side of the stage, then dropped MONEY WITH HIS OWN FACE ON IT from the rafters. Yeah, fuck that guy. 

#5 - John Cena (WrestleMania 24)

To me, most of Cena's Mania entrances felt somewhat corny. But this along with his WrestleMania 22 mobster entrance were the two that I had a tough time deciding between. When making my choice, I had to give the edge to WrestleMania 24 because of the uniqueness of the band's rendition of his theme song, and just how well the band performed. 

#4 - Kane (WrestleMania 21)

This one might get disagreed with, because when everybody talks about Kane's WrestleMania entrances, they always bring up the burning buildings at WrestleMania 20. Well, the decision between the two was simple for me, really. WrestleMania 20 had fake fire on a titantron screen. WrestleMania had REAL LADDERS ON FIRE. No contest. Side note: SLOW CHEMICAL!!!!!!1111!!1

#3 - Shawn Michaels (WrestleMania 12)

As far as I'm concerned, this is the first real "WrestleMania entrance". Obviously wrestlers had entered at WrestleMania before, but this started the trend of superstars going above and beyond to make their presence felt on The Grandest Stage of Them All. As far as how it looked, it probably wasn't as impressive as his WrestleMania 25 entrance, but since it set the trend that it did, I had to choose it.

#2 - Triple H (WrestleMania 30)

Choosing between Triple H WrestleMania entrances is like trying to decide which child you love the most. All of them are great, and they're all accompanied by one of three Motorhead songs. So there's really no way to go wrong. But I'm partial to this one, not only for the insane entrance attire, but (if you follow me on twitter you'll know who I'm referring to) it included one of my favorite wrestlers. 

#1 - The Undertaker (WrestleMania 20)

If picking between Triple H entrances is like choosing your favorite child, picking between Undertaker entrances is like picking which child you'd allow to be drowned in a bathtub. Seriously. I had to go with Mania 20 because of the significance of the return of his Deadman persona, but really any of them would've been number one. 

7 Days of WrestleMania: Day 1

I know it may not feel like it to some, but we're a week away from WrestleMania. I got the idea to do a sort of countdown to Mania, taking some of the things I love most about WWE's biggest show and explaining them. To avoid confusion, I'm going to explain exactly what I'm doing: for this first installment, I will be naming my seven favorite WrestleMania attires. Then, I'll do six of something and so far and so forth, all the way until WrestleMania Sunday. (I know it's technically Monday morning right now, so two of these will be posted today). 

With no further ado, I present my seven favorite WrestleMania attires. Feel free to tweet me your personal favorites (@SaveUsY2Jake) or leave a comment. 

Honorable Mention - Rey Mysterio (WrestleMania 25)

Mysterio's series of superhero WrestleMania attires featured a lot of aesthetically pleasing gear, but none that I personally appreciated more than his tribute to Heath Ledger's Joker at the 25th Anniversary. I would say it's a shame we never got Mysterio in Bane attire, but then again he's not a big guy.

Honorable Mention - Daniel Bryan (WrestleMania 30)

This probably shouldn't even count because it was really just his normal gear, but I just pop so hard whenever I see those Bruiser Brody boots. Plus, his regular gear is good enough as it is.

Honorable Mention - Edge (WrestleMania 22)

It was simple enough, but it just felt right for the brutal hardcore match he had with Mick Foley. Everything down to the mechanic shirt made him feel like he could hang with The Hardcore Legend, and the logo on the leg of the pants was just enough to make Edge seem brash and arrogant. Plus, Lita's boobs.

Honorable Mention - Bray Wyatt (WrestleMania 30)

I can't put this one on the regular list because it was just too similar to what he wears every week, but the entrance jacket and WrestleMania aura created such a creepy vibe that Bray carried throughout the entire match with Cena that it was impossible for me to not at least mention it. Can't wait to see what he pulls out this year for his meeting with The Undertaker.

#7 - Rob Van Dam (WrestleMania 23)

I could probably do an entire post dedicated to RVD's singlets, but as far as the ones he wore at WrestleMania are concerned, this has to be my favorite. The strangeness of the design fit his character, and the blended red and black stripes are really pleasing to look at. Unfortunately, he wore this for the blowoff of the New Breed vs ECW Originals feud. Yikes.

#6 - Razor Ramon (WrestleMania 11)

I'm a big fan of blue and yellow as a color scheme, and I'm also a big fan of Razor Ramon's attires. The font on the trunks and the Razor logos on his gear are always fantastic, especially when combined with such a great combination of colors. Somehow, his Razor attires weren't as good as his nWo attires were. It's a shame his shitty son is wearing those now.

#5 - Macho Man Randy Savage (WrestleMania 7)

Macho Man always had the best ring gear, but the streaks of purple design in the clean white tights was a great look. It gets extra points because it came in a time when special WrestleMania attires weren't really a thing. ALL HAIL THE MACHO KING. OOOOH YEAHHHH

#4 - Kurt Angle (WrestleMania 18)

Kurt Angle's 'Murica singlet game was always on point. And while he did pull out a few gems for WrestleMania, I couldn't think of any that looked better than the black-and-freedom combo he broke out for his match with Kane in Toronto. It was a color scheme that he doesn't use often, and it worked perfectly. It's true, it's damn true. (Sorry)

#3 - Chris Jericho (WrestleMania 18)

Nothing makes someone quite as cunty as mismatched attire. Putting a SPARKLY GOD DAMN PINK AND SILVER SHIRT on top of GREEN FUCKIN TIGHTS not only helped Chris Jericho's innately hate-able 2002 persona, but it also just looked cool, like the rockstar he really is. Oh, and shoutout to Stephanie's attire. She's still the best.

#2 - Kane (WrestleMania 2000)

There are a lot of things Kane doesn't get enough credit for. Among these things is his attire game. SO strong. I am a big fan of the regular red-and-black, but flipping the colors and going with only one sleeve turned it from like an 8/10 to a straight up 10/10. I could've probably given an honorable mention to Paul Bearer's blazer as well.

#1 - Shawn Michaels (WrestleMania 25)

If I hadn't decided beforehand that I wouldn't use the same wrestler more than once, this list would probably have 2 or 3 HBK attires. But when I had to decide which one I liked the best, there's no way I couldn't choose the one he wore against Undertaker the first time. Not only did it fit the circumstances of the match and the feud, but it just looked incredible. The angelic entrance and the unique colors really went a long way to develop the aesthetic for what turned out to be my 2nd favorite WrestleMania match of all time. (Number one also involves Shawn Michaels). They call him Mr. WrestleMania for a reason.